Hey
folks – this one might be intense.. so my non-Christian friends, it’s not too
late to turn back. Or perhaps a better reason to keep reading? :)
The
problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve is, well, wearing your heart on
your sleeve. That thought occurred to me a few days ago and kind of stuck in my
head, except in a different way in what you may be thinking. You see, I do wear
my heart on my sleeve; both metaphorically and literally. Back when I was a
mere 20 year old (I KNOW it seems like ages ago!) I was going through some
challenging times and felt like I needed a tattoo to symbolize my struggles. 7
years later, I’ve now got a cross, with a sun and a moon next to it. In
hindsight, the metaphor seems a lot stronger now than what it did back then; to
lay down two instrumental sins in my life, at the foot of the cross… and to do
it now over and over again in the present, compelled by a very special
Psalm that was first read to me circa 2009.
Psalm 91: This Psalm has stuck with me throughout the years, whispering seemingly
unobtrusive little words that would come alive across the dozens, if not hundreds of times I’ve read it. The living Word reaching out to me to speak to my troubles at that very moment.. in every moment.. in this moment. These past few weeks have been different, but eerily similar. To be in a state of not feeling, not knowing and not having a single clue as to where to put my first step; but hey now, I’ve got to give myself a bit of credit, I at least know that in order to move forward in life, it literally begins with just that little step. The question I find myself asking is, where?
It’s when I was sitting in church this past Sunday did something click inside of me. My logical brain in all of its illogicalness seemed to see the pathway in which I was meant to be on. At the very least, I’m beginning to see the dirt road out of the midst of things (think Lord of the Rings). The answer had been with me all along. I mean, literally, ON me. In addition to my cross, sun and moon (which was Gaelic inspired, how fancy), I’ve recently added on a very important piece to it. Asking the artist to draw it freehand, a combination of feathers and little biomechanical pieces were liberally tattooed
from my shoulder down to my elbow. They represent a very powerful verse in
Psalm 91:4 and Ephesians 6:10-18; it’s where I find my refuge, under God’s wings
and that he equips me with His armor, the armor of God. Forever inked to my
body, I live with this daily, both inwardly and outwardly. The funny part about
all of this is that as the time goes by, I forgot that I even have tattoos or
even what they mean to me.. similarly to how I seemed to have forgotten that Christ had died for me on the cross. Somewhere along the way, I’ve forgotten how
to love God, love my neighbor and to love myself.
Not
one to stress, you figure it’s just how life takes you by surprise. An
unfurling event, or counter-pragmatic happenstance, it knocked me off of
my well-placed, well-groomed, well-mapped life.
Imagine
being at Belmar, or Long Branch, or whatever your favorite beach may be (God
really help you if you immediately think of Seaside Heights haha jk) and you’re
enjoying some waves; and then all of a sudden you’re taken by surprise by a rip
current, unable to touch your feet down at the bottom to find sure-footing.
Each second that passes by, you’re fighting for air, losing sight of where you
are, losing orientation and feeling a huge weight being placed on your chest.
While dramatic, I know we all experience this to different degrees throughout
our lives. These troubles all come in many different shapes and sizes, but the
struggle exists in some form or another and I’m convinced it’s felt universally.
Then
imagine a hand or a familiar voice calling out to you… pulling you; Offering
you help, support.. ultimately, a way back in. Ding ding ding.. can you
see it? Can you feel it? The idea that God, the Father, has come to rescue me
and although I will never be able to repay him or to give him enough thanks,
out of His sheer love and genuine caring is this sense of peacefulness, security
and assurance. That, my friends, is the concept of Grace.. and as I
struggle to confront the issues that life throws at me, instead of
rationalizing, dismissing or minimizing them, I’ve begun to feel more and more
of God’s unlimited grace towards me, a jealousy for me that begs me to draw
closer to him as I dive deeper into this world. Through that, I derive the
strength to trust not on my own self, but to lean on an unknown presence that
feels like home. To be a little chick that hides under his momma’s wings at the
sign of danger, to feel protected and loved. This thought gives me hope. It
doesn’t remedy any emotions that I may deal with, but rather, gives me the
understanding of how to endure those feelings and to accept them.. and to
accept myself; a child of Christ – perfect in my imperfectness; without a hint
of not being enough for the Lord, perfect in all of my crazy ways.
So
there you have it. I do wear my heart on my sleeve. When you see my tattoos,
think of them as a reminder. A reminder of Emmanuel: God with us: God with me
and God with you.
And if you haven't had enough, or perhaps you are in search for more.. read my buddy's blog on the exact same topic.. albeit, he speaks the gospel much more eloquently than I. It's worth the read, trust me.
