I asked my Lord God – let me not be troubled by my worldly concerns, let me not pray a prayer of good fortune, for which I am most undeserved. Pastor Mike often says that we should pray not for ourselves or the blessing of ourselves, but to pray in order to see the face of our God.. . to pray to understand that He is more complex than we could ever imagine. I have such a hard time with this. It’s so difficult to steer away from the bless me, bless her and bless him’s that I’m so fondly doing; since it seems that the Christian way is to want to help others in spiritual battle.
As I sat there today, sun beating down my neck and the chilly morning air reminding me that it still is yet to be Spring, I couldn’t help but think to myself about a neat little trick that I learned a long time ago. I closed my eyes, focused on taking a deep breath, and then opened them. Funny enough, I imagined as if I was being taken out and cast back into my body. As if I had just been reignited and given the Go to get back into my life. I looked down at my lap, extended my arms, stared at my hands as to regain a sense of who I am. After a few moments passed, I looked around and admired where I was. I listened to how quiet things were, how warm the sun was and indulged in the immediate peacefulness that God created just for me. It’s in doing this that I was reminded that life really can be this innocuous.
Then, my thoughts started flooding back in. Where will I be in 6 months? What if I disappoint my family? How will I become successful? – This disruption of thoughts comes all too often…doubting myself whilst praying in church that I trust in Him. Then more thoughts came – Am I not a good Christian? Am I a hypocrite? What can I do to be better? – These undulations, while embarrassing to admit, occupy my thoughts frequently.
It’s interesting enough though that as I resigned to be battered and beaten down; the following verse was tossed into my face with such certainty that it settled any doubts I had about the gospel being the living word.
How quickly and true this message delivered its purpose. On the outside, I felt sick and disgusted about the person of whom I am becoming, disgraced in my failure to produce the things in which I had hoped others to find pride in me. On the inside, I was torn, beaten and bruised by my lack of purpose; not understanding how I have tried to take so large a step, only to travel so little a distance.
It’s these mired thoughts that
this verse spoke to me. That I shouldn’t lose heart, that I need to understand
all of these small battles that I’ve lost and will continue losing are all for
a greater purpose. No, I won’t admit that I know what these purposes are, or
that they will be even close to what I’ve imagined, but that’s the beauty of
faith. It’s in faith that lifts me up, cleanses my ill-mannered thoughts and
forgives my transgression. It’s in faith that gives me direction, hope and lust
for the future in which God will provide for me. It’s in faith that dismantles
the steam engine of life for just one
second to reclaim the peacefulness for which God has born for me and it’s
in that second that I draw strength
to make it through the day, as I hope it does for you, too.
Originally written April 3, 2012
Tommy, you never fail to amaze me and the world around you. This is a beautiful piece and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDelete- Sandi
Awesome post bro. I myself sometimes wonder why it is so hard to be a follower of Jesus - than I remember that we have decided to place our entire life in the hands of someone we cannot even physically see, touch or hear! Than there is this whole new way of living that we have to conform to according to Jesus' teaching - where half the things if not more seem almost impossible to do. Than there are those who point and laugh because they believe we are waisting time and energy on a 2000 year old fairy tale. We are humbly reminded we used to be the ones pointing and laughing at one point in our lives.
ReplyDeleteBut what an awesome friend/pastor/healer/redeemer/GOD we have in Jesus - that even though our limited human nature fails to grasp His awesome existence and unlimited power, we feel Him work in our lives daily as we seek His glory. For us who believe, His precense and work in us is undeniable - from the mess we used to be, to the void in our soul that nothing could fill, He decided to suddenly show up in our lives to tell us how much He loves us and show us the real reason we are here in this world. From that moment on wether we see Him or not is no longer an issue, for we now know in the depths of our existence His Holy Spirit has taken up residence and brought along with Him the most glorious things not known to the limited human mind to aid us and help us with what seems otherwise impossible. Yes we fail, yes we stumble -and to those on the outside we become the biggest hypocrites - but to Him we are precious unlike anything in His creation and in His great mercy He understands our struggles and always pick us up with a loving hand when we've hit the floor. What is amazing is that He found us, we didn't find Him - and now there is this great love and power within us that we can't hold back and it has become our most inner desire to share Him with others so that they, too, can experience His greatness - so that they, too, may have forgiveness and eternal life.
I am reminded of the awesome words he said to one of the disciples after the resurrection: "You believe in me because you have seen me - greatly blessed will be those who cannot see me, yet still believe."